- A dingy Irish pub where the carpet smells worse than the toilets, or
- A hipster bar where they only sell beer you've never heard of for $20 a pint, or
So you have to understand our surprise when we walked down a flight of stairs off The Esplanade in Cairns' CBD into Flamingos Tiki Bar.
Instead of being welcomed by the gentle tapping rhythm of an old codger trying to hit the feature on Big Red, we found ourselves in a little tropical oasis.
Behind the bamboo bar is a literal wall lined with rum bottles. Seriously. I tried counting them off the menu but gave up after the 60-something mark. It doesn't matter if you're a rum pig or a rum connoisseur, you will 100% be in a state of rum-induced nirvana.
If you prefer something a little more tropical, there are more cocktail options than you'd know what to do with. If you want our opinion (remember the Bachelors), we'd recommend a Tiki classic like The Mai Tai or The Zombie. There's also a saucy little number called "Shark Bait Hoo Ha Ha", which pays homage to the greatest Sunday hangover film of all time.
Also, check out the "to share" drinks, meant to cater to four people at a time. If you can name a better way to bond with your boys than sipping from straws out of a giant clam shell and staring into each others eyes, I haven't heard of it. You may, like us, have a pretty cavalier attitude towards the word "to share", in which case, godspeed.
The venue itself is sick. When you're below ground and have cocktail in your hand it's easy to forget the outside world exists. You forget you're in the middle of the CBD. You forget about your 9 to 5. You forget that Monday is eventually going to roll back around and knock you back into reality like Andrew Symonds knocks around streakers at The Gabba.
If the only time you're able to go to a tiki bar is in your imagination (while you're on your lunch break, watching your Lean Cuisine spin depressingly through the microwave door), then scope this video out. Andrew from Flamingos gives you the lowdown on how to make a proper Mai Tai.
Do yourself a favour - get geared up in a tropical YP number, twist up one of Andrew's Mai Tais and have a tiki party of your own.