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THE COMPLETE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO KANGAROO COURT

Order! Order!

There has been a deeply disturbing trend sweeping the nation in recent years. A trend that threatens to undermine one of the pillars that props up this great nation of ours.

We are, of course, talking about the misconduct happening in Her Majesty's Kangaroo Courts. At kick-ons everywhere, the holy reputation of the Kanga Court is being tarnished time and time again.

The Kangaroo Court is meant to be a sacred institution, one where our grievances towards our fellow man be aired, and justice be served.

YP Threads, as pillars of society, are here to right this wrong. We want Kangaroo Courts all across the country to be functioning as they were meant to.

From the 3am garage session in suburbia to the trashed Air BnB, all the way to the pre-drinks that nobody makes it out from.

This is a sacred institution and must be treated as such.

As servants of the people of Australia, and indeed the world, we have penned the official laws of the Kangaroo Court. These laws must be obeyed, respected and preferably printed out and laminated.

THE MEMBERS OF KANGAROO COURT

For justice to be served among the lads, you will need a:

JUDGE

The Judge's role is to control and mediate the court house. He decides when defendants, prosecutors and witnesses have had their fair and lawful time on the stand. When the judge slams his beer can, his decision is final. The Judge generally remains The Judge throughout the entire court proceedings. If The Judge, however, has a charge laid against him, he must recuse himself. In this instance, a new Judge must take the stand.

Keep in mind The Judge does not actually dish out, nor choose the punishments. He is an extension of the people's will. Go against what The Judge says, and you are holding the court in contempt.

This role is not suited to the nut jobs of the group. Chose the bloke with his head screwed on the tightest and who has the most respect for the ancient rites of law.

PROSECUTION

The prosecution's role is to lay a charge against one of the boys, and then if needed, supply enough evidence to have him convicted by the jury. The prosecution must also details what he wished to be the punishment for the alleged crime.

DEFENDANT

The defendant must counter the claim or claims made against him by the prosecution. If he convinces the jury that he is indeed innocent, then he is able to choose a punishment for the defeated prosecution.

BAILIFFS

One or two of the boys must be assigned the role of bailiff for the proceedings. It is the bailiffs job to keep order within the courtroom and the enforce the court rules. Often, the bailiff's role will become more important the further into the court proceedings. It may be a good idea to employ the services of the biggest members of the group. This is due to the fact that drunk, disgruntled defendants have been known to get physical in the courtroom.

JURY

The rest of the lads in the courtroom must assume the role of the jury. It is up to the jury to decide whether the defendant is guilty or innocent.

The majority vote wins.

Additionally, if a jury unanimously feels the punishment is too severe or too lenient, they are allowed to change this punishment how they see fit.

THE RITES OF LAW

PUNISHMENT

The form of punishment is truly at the discretion of the court. The people may be as sever or as lenient as they wish. In general, however, punishments revolve around the consumption of booze. Generally, a certain amount of beer for misdemeanours and spirits for serious crimes will suffice. However, corporal punishment has been known to be enacted for the most heinous of crimes.

WITNESSES

If a charge is serious enough, both the prosecution and the defendant may bring a witness to the stand. Each side is allowed one witness per case, and this witness may speak once. The witness is now required to be in the courtroom, as witnesses may take the stand via telephone or video link (to protect their anonymity).

INNOCENCE

In the Kangaroo Court you are 100% guilty until proven innocent. The onus is on the defendant to prove his innocence.

ATTORNEYS

In the Kangaroo Court, you do NOT have the right to an attorney. Each participant must self-represent in both the prosecution and defence.

RESPECT FOR THE COURT

The Judge must be addressed as "Your Honour". Additionally, The Judge must wear a wig or head wear of some description (the Steve Menzies style Albion head gear is recommended), to show is high position in society.

SWEAR ON A HIGHER POWER

Each defendant, prosecutor and witness must swear on a photograph of Shane Warne prior to taking the stand. While a photograph of the Sultan of Spin is tradition and preferable, an equivalent cultural icon will suffice eg. Beaver Menzies, Ben Cousins etc.

COURT RULES

While each state and territory may have their own interpretation of the most holy laws of the Kangaroo Court, there is a solid list of rules which govern most courtrooms across the country.

The are as follows:

  1. No talking out of turn (The Judge will nominate who is given the floor. If you wish to speak, you must raise your hand and then be given permission at the discretion of The Judge)
  2. No pointing
  3. No swearing
  4. No toilet breaks while court is in session
  5. To enter the courtroom, you must have a crime you wish to charge someone with
  6. If a defendant refuses to drink booze, he must drink milk, because beer is for men and milk is for babies.
  7. No drinking with your right hand (known colloquially as "Buffalo")
  8. No first or last names. If you, for some unnatural reason, do not have a nickname, one will be appointed to you by the judge.

ANYONE FOUND TO BE BREAKING COURT RULES OR SHOWING DISREGARD TO THE ANCIENT RITES WILL BE CHARGED WITH CONTEMPT OF COURT

*** Penalties for breaking any of the court rules, as stipulated in the Constitution of the Lads 1821 Sec. 12 Par. 4:

"Anybody found to be breaking the rules of the court will be charged with 1 count of contempt of court. Penalty for contempt of court is the consumption, to completion, of whichever beverage one holds in one's hand."

Furthermore, if somebody is found to be breaking more than one rule, they will be charged for all additional rules they have broken.

These sentences will run back to back.

In other words, break three rules, finish three drinks back to back.

However, the final decision for punishment rests with the jury. The jury must decide on a standard punishment before court presides. The jury however is able to change the punishment throughout court proceedings, provided the majority wishes to do so.

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