Pub Golf. Bowling. Barefoot Bowls.
What do these "sports" have in common? That's right! They all have the capacity to facilitate your laziness, allowing you to smash beers and donuts throughout.
But why stop at there?
Why not a massive bowl of nachos with extra cheese? Or how about slamming a couple of Dirty Black Dogs* with the boys whilst "exercising"?
Anyway, enough of the daydreaming, because we have another gig you can add to the list of artery-clogging "sports"... And that sport is The Boerne 0.5k.
This glorious tribute to mediocrity is billed as "the running event for the rest if us." And by rest of us, they mean us battlers who would rather participate in group activities with a slight grog buzz then exercising and "increasing our fitness" and enjoying those sweet "endorphins", or whatever it is my fitness freak brother is always talking about at family lunch.
Let me set the scene... The starters gun goes, and your first task is to slam a pint of beer. From there, you start what is expected to be about 7 minutes of exercise, but as you approach the halfway mark, you have the chance to take a pit stop and indulge in coffee and donuts.
After letting your stomach settle at said pit stop (maybe after indulging in a nap, maybe not), you then set out for the final 250m of the race. Approaching the finish line, your legs aching and your veins feeling like they are pumping battery acid, you cross the finish line and complete the race with yet another pint of beer.
Now, if all of this seems like too much, you can opt for the VIP Option. It's literally the exact same things minus any form of strenuous activity whatsoever. For simply twice the normal entry fee, you can get chauffeured to the finish line, complete with beer and an even bigger medal then those who actually raced.
Suck it Chris! My medal is bigger than yours... Who's the favourite son now!
But the best thing of all about the Boerne 0.5k, is that all proceeds raised will be going to Blessing in a Backpack, an organisation that provides food for underprivileged children on the weekends, when they're not in school to receive free lunches.
Unfortunately for us, this race has already come and gone for 2018 and is also only held in Texas (for now). But we'll keep our ear to the ground and as soon as it comes to Australia, we'll be all over it like a 30 year old balding, fat loser on The Boerne 0.5k.
*A Dirty Black Dog is a deadly cocktail, forged in the bowels of Wests Bulldogs Rugby Club in Toowong, Brisbane. It consists of a half pint of Guinness, topped with equal parts RTD Black Rat and Purple Gatorade, finished with Milo and Berocca. Once you finish that deadly mix, you wash it down with a shot of Black Sambuca. Legit, it's not as bad as it sounds... But it's still dog shit.